The story of the still pregnant friend

My sweet little baby turned 6 months old yesterday! I can't believe it has already been that long. I also can't believe it has only been that long. I feel like he has been a part of me forever and I can't remember what it was like not having him. Maybe the story surrounding his birth isn't worth telling, but it is my story, I've been reflecting on it a lot, and this is my blog, so here it is.

A little over 7 months ago, I had my best friend over and I made her cookies and we played games. It was so fun. We got to talk about our baby boys we were both expecting and think about how much fun it would be to have 2 little boys the same age. We talked about all the things she had gotten at her baby shower the day before. It was all so exciting.

Then the next day I was sitting down to dinner with my family. The phone rang. It was my other friend. When I answered the phone I could tell she was very upset. She informed me that my friend's baby had just died. I was in shock. I felt like I was in a nightmare. I was certain I would wake up any second. I just sat there and all I could think was no way. no way. no way. She was just here yesterday and she was just fine! Then it finally hit me. I just bawled and bawled. So many thoughts running through my head. I felt so guilty that I still had my baby. I hurt so bad for her and how could I face her with my huge pregnant belly? It was a few days before she allowed me to see her. It was so hard. I felt ashamed walking into her house to see her with my stomach sticking out so far and my baby alive and kicking inside me. I could tell that the sight of me made her upset, but I stayed with her and made sure she knew I was there for her no matter what. But I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want her to hurt anymore than she had to. So I kept my distance and figured she knew she could call me if she wanted me. I'm sorry for that. I didn't know what else to do. I was so sick over what happened. I cried a lot and I even lost weight, which is not what you are supposed to do when you are pregnant.

One thing I do know is that what happened to her changed everything on how I viewed things. I would hear people complain about their pregnancies and how uncomfortable they were and how they got their induction times pushed back, and the hospital sent them away, etc., etc. All I could think was who cares??? You still have your baby! People would ask me how I was feeling. How could I complain about being uncomfortable or having constant piercing contractions, or nasty huge varicose veins that killed me to walk or not being able to sleep at night because I was so uncomfortable and had to get up to use the bathroom 500 times and never be able to go back to sleep. Not to mention take care of my 3 kids on top of all that all by myself because my husband was out of town so much? How could I complain about that when all of that meant that I still had my sweet little baby alive inside of me?

I went into labor about a month before I was due and I was so worried. All I could think was NO! I canNOT have a June baby. I. just. can't. Not when my friend just lost hers. So every year in June I'm celebrating the birth of my baby and she's mourning the loss of hers? No. I prayed a LOT. After 4 hours of painful labor, I fell asleep and it subsided. Over the next couple weeks I kept dilating and effacing and having painful contractions, but I didn't care. I was just so relieved I'd made it to July.

Finally the day came to be induced and I called the hospital and they told me I couldn't come in and needed to call the next day. I wasn't upset at all. I didn't tell anyone that I was going in that day except a different friend who so graciously watched my kids for me. The next day I went in with my mom and my husband and had my baby. No pain medication (though not by choice, after they broke my water, there was no stopping him). He was PERFECT. He was so beautiful. And he was healthy. This was my first delivery ever where no NICU was needed. It was such a relief. And here was my beautiful, healthy 9 pound, 20 1/2 inch long perfect baby boy. I was so happy, but it was bittersweet. I couldn't stop thinking about my friend and what she had gone through a little over a month before.

To my sweet Addison: I love you. I am so happy that I am your mother. Because of what happened, I have appreciated you so much more than I would have otherwise. I cherish every smile, every laugh, every touch, every bath, everything you do. I never complain or feel upset about getting up with you in the night or changing all of your diapers, even if I'm the only one that does it, because how could I? I'm just so happy I have you. I thank Heavenly Father for you everyday and every night I pray for another day with you. I hope I can live up to being the mother that you deserve. I love you.

Addison Tavish: 6 months old